4AM

4am is an unearthly hour. It's at 4am that your mind really takes you on trips you never thought you'd travel. Or trips you wished you'd never have to traverse again, or trips you're trying to avoid. Tonight.. well, technically this morning.. my thoughts revolve around my future. SPM being 2 days away has been something weighing heavily on my mind all day. Some moments I have spurts of panic, and I usually cure those by taking a shower or raiding the fridge. Other times I'm so relaxed about it that I freak out because I feel I should be freaked out..? Being at peace isn't as easy as it seems. Nevertheless, God is good, and I know that He shall be my confidence. 

But that's not really what's on my mind this "4am". Many questions have arose this week. Not just about my future, but also about my faith. What do I believe in? What do others believe in? What distinguishes my God from theirs? I have searched and googled other religions, trying to decipher the different belief systems. I wondered if I was doubting the existence of the God that I serve this week. I know it seems ridiculous after everything that I've been through and the spiritual journey I've been traversing, and at some points this week I wondered if I was going mad! What makes Christianity real? What if I decided to be a Buddhist. Seems only fair that you try everything out so that you can compare them and choose right? This week, I considered becoming a Buddhist and living like a monk. 

But the moment I had that thought, I knew I couldn't do it. How could I stop believing in Jesus? I challenged myself to try. I couldn't even handle the thought. It was completely impossible. I had to face the truth. I couldn't remove Christ from my life even if I tried to. Jesus Christ, my God and Saviour, has not just become my Lord. He has become my identity. Trying to stamp Him out of my life would be like removing my identity and everything that I am. I couldn't do it. God has become so much a part of me that I now know what it means when Paul said "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39) Not that I really want to be separated from Christ! 

This past week has just been something new in my life that's all. I have realized that God truly holds me in His hand, just like in that beautiful song "In Christ Alone", the words "No power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand, for I am His, and He is mine, bought with the precious blood of Christ," now hold a personal meaning for me. I am the Lord's. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not going to try to run from not being my own anymore. I'm so in love with Jesus, and I don't want to be separated from Him anyway! I tried to, not because I was tired of surrendering my rights, or because I wanted to rebel. I tried simply because I wanted to be more sure of what I believed in. And guess what. I AM sure. I am completely sure that there is no other God besides Jesus Christ. No other Saviour. No one else who deserves our praise and worship, and no one else who can satisfy. 

So you may think that following Jesus and walking in His ways is tough. But try to remove Him from your life completely and see if that's easier. It's either one way or the other. YOU JUST CAN'T RUN FROM GOD! Choose wisely. 

"See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. ¹⁶ For I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the LORD your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess."

-Deuteronomy 30:15-17

And You Were

Last week I gave you a little sneak peek of my sister's poem. This week it shall be presented in full. She wrote this for Easter this year, though it wasn't initially meant to be an Easter poem. I thought about posting it for Easter next year (haha) but I think that's too far away. Anyway, with her permission.. presenting..

And You Were

It started with silence
At the backseat of your grandma's car
I ignored the sirens
And now I'm so very far..
From where I began
Or where I'd call "The End"
And now we're just friends
Is that really possible again?

The long walks in the morning
Developed into something
It took awhile to admit
What we really should have named it

"Best Friends" - that's where it started
"Just Friends"- now that's what we want
I won't say I'm broken hearted
At least I'll try to put up a front

I told you to let me go
Two very long years ago
But you returned both of my letters
And I tried to fight my fears
My fear of letting you in
And thus becoming more emotionally attached
My fear of what might begin
My fear that you weren't the right catch

You didn't want to give me up
I didn't want to lead you on
All of a sudden came the abrupt
SILENCE, two weeks.. I thought you were gone

When I finally got hold of you
I realized I was technically right
You decided you were through
For now, you don't want to fight
To fight for this one person
At the risk of "what might have been"
With all the other girls who yearn
For you and WITH you to be seen

I told you I couldn't promise
And to not limit your chances
I wish I could have been selfish
And reacted differently to your advances

You say parts of you have changed
You don't like how I'm emotional and fickle-minded
Who was I kidding, expecting you to remain
In love with ALL of me, I was blinded
By my hopes of meeting
One who could see beyond appearance
Because this outward beauty is fleeting
I need a man of endurance
One who will choose to love me
Forsaking all others
One who will make a vow for eternity
To love, even if he suffers

I don't expect you to decide that now
We're so young, the world awaits us
We might not be meant to be anyhow
So it's all about putting God first

I could decide to be bitter
With the entire Adam's race
But I've opted for something better
Something in the right place
Where all of me was made
"emotional" was added to the list
"You are perfect in Me" , God said
"There's not one thing that I missed"
"All of them will fail you
Real love is vulnerable to hurt
But love is a test of remaining true
1 Corinthians 13, yes, you've already heard
I am LOVE, do you trust me?
I am patient, I am kind
I do not behave rudely
I do not envy
Love always trusts,always hopes
Always perseveres,always protects
But most of all
Love NEVER fails-please do not forget!
yesterday, many Fridays ago, I died
But, Fleur, you were on my mind
There on Calvary, I was crucified
Only so you could find
The answer is not anywhere else
But there on Calvary
And just like me, you must die to self
As a disciple, to identify with me
I was there too, I know the pain
But look ahead to Easter on Sunday
I have removed it all, yes, all the shame
And through me, you can live again
Your security lies not in them
Those who offer flattery and praise
One day, they too will condemn
Instead, look to Him who was raised
From the ashes of death
yes, death of dreams and hope
He offers new breath
of life, and with His strength we can cope
With the many disappointments
With the temporary ache
With the painful rejections
Or when somebody forsakes
The peace that I offer
The world doesn't understand
Rest in me again, Fleur
I will be your man."

The act of surrender
Is sometimes a daily requirement
And until He makes everything clear
It is always a mere abandonement
Of my will to His
In 2 Corinthians 12:9 it is promised
"His grace is sufficient
And my God is consistent
In perfecting His strength in my weakness."

The Hare and the Tortoise.

It's the first of November! Lots of special peoples birthdays coming up this month. Suetyoong and my sister. Also, SPM! whoooo~ It's going to be an interesting month. 

It's been about more than a month since Theplan09. The mission conference that God used to change me and reshape my heart into one that beats for Him again. So much has happened, so much evidence that God has been working in my life, that He hasn't forsaken me, that he still cares for me. Everyday is an act of surrender. I still see so much wretchedness in my life, a lot of brokenness and bitterness that only God can heal. So many things and so many dreams that I need to give up. I still don't know how to sing when the old, familiar hymn "I surrender all" is sung in church or plays on the radio. The hymn "I need Thee every hour", however, has become one which plays often in my mind as I go through the days trying to rely on my own strength.

Some nights I come before God completely exhausted from trying to handle my own life. Sometimes, I lose sight of Him and quiet time ends up dry. On the beautiful days, quiet time is wonderful, just being with God and being reminded of why I do the things that I do and of my purpose in life - which is for Him alone. But even on the dry nights, I learn something everyday. Like I've noticed that the closer you walk with God, the more you hunger for Him. Which poses the question, are you hungry? 

Quiet time, from beginning to end is an effort. Actually getting there before God and saying "Okay I'm here for quiet time now. The laptop is away and my room door is closed. It's just me and You, God." takes effort. Then praying itself requires so much discipline. To make sure that your mind doesn't start wandering and you start thinking about stuff that's happened during the day. Then making sure that you don't start babbling to God. Haha. Praying specifically for friends and family, for Malaysia, phew! Then sometimes you feel like such a fool, praying for the same things over and over again, getting frustrated that there are no results.. wanting to give up.. And I think the hardest part about quiet time is meditating and listening, something which I personally struggle with the most. Talking too much. I wonder how God doesn't find me IRRITATING sometimes. Guys, imagine having a girlfriend who couldn't stop talking! Or girls, imagine having a boyfriend who never listened to you!! Still, God is patient, and I'm learning to form a relationship with God that isn't a one way street.

When you go through everyday doing the same thing, maintaining a sense of wonder of God is one of the greatest hardships we face. 

"The true test of a person's spiritual life and character is not what he does in the extraordinary moments of life, but what he does during the ordinary times when there is nothing tremendous or exciting happening. " - Ostwald Chambers. 

I guess that's why it's so easy to fall back into complacency when the great Christian camps are over. Be consistent. If your spiritual life is moving slowly, do not be discouraged! As long as it is progressing forward. Slowly, but steadily. Always remember the hare and the tortoise! :) But never, NEVER be a stagnant pond. Only flowing waters will lead to the rushing rivers and mighty waterfalls. And remember to never be satisfied with your walk with God. 

I'm taking a very short extract from an amazing poem my sister, Fleur, (who is also amazing) wrote several months back, one which I hope to post here soon in full length with her permission. 

The act of surrender
Is sometimes a daily requirement
And until He makes everything clear
It is always a mere abandonement
Of my will to His
In 2 Corinthians 12:9 it is promised
"His grace is sufficient
And my God is consistent
In perfecting His strength in my weakness."

Strokes of His Mighty Hand

That was in Penang. Beautiful, huh? 

I love the sky.

 

(Taken off Google images, lah)

I think as a kid most of us had dreams of sleeping in a cloud. Or eating one. Not being able to do either, we gave up the first dream and replaced the second with cotton candy. 

(From my balcony)

Forests are being destroyed. Lakes and rivers are being polluted. Even the air isn't fresh anymore. But if there is one place that man cannot touch, one point of beauty that we cannot ruin, I think it's the sky. Even if the air may get so polluted that we can't see the sky, or the beautiful sunsets that God paints everyday, I know that they're still there. We need to lift our eyes up more often to catch a glimpse of God's MAJESTY in the heavens above. And bask in it. 

Psalm 19:1-6

The heavens declare the glory of God,

The skies proclaim the work of His hand,

Day after day they pour forth speech,

Night after night they display knowledge.

There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.

Their voice goes out into all the earth,

Their word to the ends of the world.

In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,

which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavillion,

Like a champion rejoicing to run his course.

It rises at one end of the heavens and makes it circuit to the other,

nothing is hidden from its heat.

Finally - PROGRESS!

Disappointed that it took a NON MALAYSIAN Thai pathologist (who by the way looks like she has one very colourful (literally) and spunky character) to reveal the truth about the Teoh Beng Hock case, as compared to our MALAYSIAN pathologists who did not stand for truth and honor in their own country. 

Yeah, he probably fell with something apparently shoved into his anus (????) and strangulation marks.. etc. 

I know that the previous two pathologists were probably facing a LOT of threats and such, so it's no surprise, really, that they didn't tell the truth, but think of how they must be feeling now!! I feel so sorry for them! 

So now that everyone knows, without a doubt, that Teoh Beng Hock was murdered, the question still remains - WHO did it, and how do we prove it. Let's all continue to pray for Gobind Singh, the lawyer, and everyone else working on the case.

And in the meantime, I have Sejarah to study... 

Only In Malaysia :D

Another example of 1Malaysia would be my friend Brinda, who is one cool girl. She is a Cindian - her dad is an Indian, and her mum is a Chinese. Her Deepavali open houses are so unique, for the sole reason that we eat CHINESE food at her Indian Deepavali celebration. (Btw her mum makes the most amazing chicken pie. Ask Suetyoong.) You don't get that often, do you? ONLY IN MALAYSIA :D 

Anyway, it's Deepavali, and I love Indian food. So it's been a really good day. Something else you don't get very often is Indian people who love Chinese food more than Indian food, or Chinese people who love Indian food more, etc. ONLY IN MALAYSIA :D 

Sorry, but I have to go now. My brother is throwing stuffed toys at my head, so I'm going to have to take a short commercial break to go give him a wedgie. 

Chit Chat that Counts

My blog is suddenly much more active. Let's hope this lasts! 

"Eh did you see Channing Tatum in GI Joe? So *hot* right??"

"Ya la, but I think Ryan Reynolds is hotter."

"Oh, The Proposal, huh. No la, I didn't manage to watch that."

"Nevermind la. We should watch The Ugly Truth. Gerard Butler is also really hot!"

etc etc etc..

Has this really become the standard conversation for teenagers today? I dare say it relates to guys as well, though obviously they don't talk about Channing Tatum or Ryan Reynolds.. Either way, conversations nowadays hold no meaning at all! It's always superficial nonsense. And I'll admit that I also tend to get caught up in all this superficial nonsense. We create games like "Would you rather" to ask questions like "Would you rather Channing Tatum or Chad Michael Murray?" (Answer: Channing Tatum..) to create entertainment and worship idols. In youth today, Aunty Maureen talked about what man are created for, which is to love and worship God. There is a natural desire to worship something in everyones lives. If you don't worship God, your worship will take form elsewhere, and most of the time, especially among teenagers, it will be manifested through Hollywood.

What has happened to chit chat that counts? Whatever happened to 

-"Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare Your praise"? (Psalm 51:15)

-"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up"? (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

etc

And besides, doesn't God say that "... For out of the abundance of the heart, his mouth speaks"? (Luke 6:45)

I think we need to seriously re-evaluate what it is exactly that is in our hearts. We are told to guard our hearts, for it is the wellspring of life. And while we always equate the "heart" to lovely fluffy red Valentines pillows and love, I think most of the time if we look at our hearts, we will find deceit, impatience, and selfishness. 

At LYPG last week, Melaka prayed for Religion and Media. While Cathy was praying for media, she prayed "Lord when youth come together, instead of talking about the latest movies, let us be talking about what revelations You have revealed in the past week.." (or something along those lines, do correct me if I misquoted you, Cathy.. or was it Charmain who prayed that..eek!) 

Don't you think that would be so beautiful? To see youth having chit chat that counts? To see us sitting together talking and sharing about how good God has been in our lives, or about how He convicted us of something that we were struggling with, or about how He revealed to us something straight from His heart through a certain prayer session? Impossible? I don't think so. Yeah sure we can talk about movies. But instead of talking about how cool the effects were or how hot the actor or actress was, we could be talking about how inspiring the story was. Or how disappointed we were that God was not displayed at all through the movie. Maybe they youth will even start to pray for the younger teens who may be influenced by the movie - to pray against the negative values that may take root in their hearts. 

Christian youth need to take a stand for righteousness. It's not about "Oh I don't want to appear 'holier than thou' and I don't want to offend my friends". It's about upholding values in society and being the salt and the light. We all know we are called to a different standard. People around you may not understand, and instead of being commended, most of the time you will probably be shamed. But God also did say that "However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name" (1 Peter 4:16) We need to walk as children of the light.

Yes, it is hard. But the pursuit of all things of worth and excellence are hard. We will press on. That's all.

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." - Philippians 4:8

When we are able to do just that, I believe Cathy/Charmain's prayer will be answered.